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The air is getting crisp outside. With the coloring of the leaves the transition to the cold season becomes less daunting. I can watch the dancing gold of the the sunlight merge with the shades of ruby red , persimmon, pantone yellow and deer brown on trees and the ground. This kaleidoscopic play of colors is only enhanced by the contrast to the innocent, carolina blue of the autumn sky.

As the trees are giving up their foliage and the sunlight becomes more scarce, I feel the need for slowing down. This whole year felt like someone pressed the fast forward button and I feel I have been on an emotional and mental sprint through this year until now. This was by far my most successful year in personal development, my personal life and my career. And with that success came a lot of overwhelm, stress and nervous system overstimulation . I had to learn how to prioritize this year, so I took a closer look at my values and what matters most to me.

One of my top values in life is health on all levels – physically, emotionally and mentaly. When I went into the professional dance world some years ago, this value clashed a lot with the success I desired in that field. I simply wasn’t willing to compromise on my health just to earn the approval of teachers or others. I will have a deeper dive into this in another post.

A few weeks ago I held my first in person retreat in collaboration with Teresa Ragg. I am still in awe of the profound transformation that took place in just a couple of days. 5 brave people decided to dive deep into the meat of their life’s experience – encountering their deepest pain, exploring their highest joy, daring to get emotionally naked in front of a group of people they didn’t really know before. And even though it seemed like these things were the essential strides of the retreat which caused metmorphoses and awareness – there was a key ingredient that made all of the depth and vulnerability possible in the first place. An element that is often underestimated: SAFETY

I get it – safety doesn’t sell. After all, we are here to expand and constantly stretch the realm of possibility. FASTER.BETTER. STRONGER. Many of us are striving for excellence. The western world values success, results and achievements more than hardly anything. As much progress as it brings us, ths also has some serious downsides to it.

For example: Most people don’t value safety, because they think being safe means, not evolving. Saying no to expansion. Or simply having a boring life. And they connect the term comfort zone with it.

What if I told you, that all of the above mentioned things actually come from a chronic feeling of unsafety?

If you look at a child’s development, you will find that as long as it has a secure attachment to a caregiver that is intact – meaning the child knows, this person is there when it needs her, it always has access to the help, containment and protection of this caregiver – only then will it feel safe enough in itself to start exploring the world around it. It will keep exploring further day by day in its own pace. This level of exploration is only possible to the degree of safety the child feels in relation to its caregiver.

When there is no consistent secure attachment or even none at all, the child develops anxiety and fear of the world around it. It certainly won’t go out to explore its environmnet. It anxiously focuses on the attachment to its caregiver, because it never knows whether that person will still be available for the child if it doesn’t constantly check on it and even then...

When children don’t experience that safe attachement through one or mutliple caregivers, they will turn into adults that feel chronically unsafe in the world. They don’t trust others and life easily or at all, they feel often powerless in creating the circumstances they want in life and they can not easily relax or surrender. There is a plethora of ways on how to cope with that baseline feeling of unsafety in oneself. You can become a successful (over)achiever, you can become controlling of everything or everyone in your life, you can become a people pleaser or you can intellectualize everything – just to name a few. Something even more important to become aware of is that unsafety is the main breeding ground for mental illness.

Still convinced that safety is just a nice little comfort thing? Oh right, the comfort zone – I don’t even like the term, because it is misleading. A comfort zone simply describes a situation or space that we are very familiar with. We are creatures of habit and familiarity in itself creates a sense of safety for us – no matter how UNHEALTHY or UNCOMFORTABLE a situation actually is! Just watch the way people eat. Even though it is proven by many sources that red meat causes cancer and many other health prolems by now – many people won't change thier diet to a healthier one. Having to go through the initial discomfort of change seems harder to bare with then the discomfort of not feeling well on that diet, simply because you are used to it.

It’s the same reason why people stay in abusive relationships – it has not much to do with actual comfort. That familiar state is only maintained because of fear. Fear of loss, of heartbreak of being alone, ect. People that feel a deep sense of safety and trust in the world are not in desperate need of holding on to a comfort zone. They know the they will get what they want through one way or another eventually.

In the last 3 years the level of unsafety people feel in the world has massively increased. And with it the level of suffering, the number of crimes and suicides .

Safety is the missing ingredient to peoples wellbeing and healing. I am a huge advocate for bringing back safety. Many of my clients tell me they have rarely, if ever felt as safe as in my presence. In the beginning I didn’t see the value in that, because it doesn't feel like the most wanted quality when it comes to leading people to what they desire in life. But I've seen repeadetly how the deepest secrets and most hidden wounds come to the surface in people when they are simply contained in an energetic cocoon of safety. It is like a catalyst for transformation. As facilitators and therapists we become that secure attachment that people might have never experienced and therefore we open the door for them to become the adventurous explorer that they are by nature.

After all this talk about the importance of safety you might wonder how we can create safety for us and others again.

The fastest way I witnessed in our retreat again is CONNECTION. Safety and connection come hand in hand. If you connect to someone or something, you start to feel them, understand them and care for them. Which are the building blocks of love. My favourite tool for creating profound and lasting connection between people is the Connection Process by Teal Swan. We used it at our retreat and there are very little things that touch me more than witnessing 2 people deeply connecting through that process. It changes everything. Once you are connected – it is impossible to harm the other person. Because harming him or her would mean you harm yourself. It makes you taking ownership for the wellbeing of the other person and vice versa. A link is between 2 people is being created. A link that makes it seem like they are telepathically connected. They feel each other, they see each other, they understand each other. Like this, harm becomes impossible - because harming something so connected is like harming yourself.

And in the absence of harm, safety is re-born.

My dear body, I apologize to you from the bottom of my heart. How many times I was angry at you, sad because of you, even hated you… I am sorry I believed that you are working against me. I am sorry I couldn't accept you and recognize  your beauty in each mole, each freckle, each sun-bleached curl of luscious thickness. I am sorry, I tried to hide you from the world most of my life. I felt ashamed of you, oh so ashamed. Whenever people looked at you, I thought they are judging you and therefore me in a very bad way. I am sorry I ever pushed you to be different than you are. To look more like the long-legged women with smooth, shiny hair and perky breasts, gazing at us from magazines and advertisements – they are judging me too – I thought.

​I am sorry for neglecting you and not being able to nurture you in the way you needed it. I am sorry for eating food that was not good for you and not giving you the sleep you deserved. I am sorry for constantly comparing you, but only seeing how you are worse than the bodies I compare you to. I am sorry for mistaking your mechanisms of protecting me as being dysfunctional,lazy or weak. I apologize for not defending you in front of those who insulted you; and for not standing tall and being proud of you - the home of my soul. I am sorry for seeing the female cycle as nothing more than an inconvenience.  And I am sorry that I ever let it happen to have sexual interaction with others although you clearly told me you don´t want it. I am sorry I just used you as a way to manipulate others in a seductive way. I am sorry I went through some painful and unhealthy procedures with you in order to fit into the beauty standards of women in the world we live in currently.

I am sorry I cut into your skin when I had lost all connection to you and I didn't find another way to feel you and the world around me anymore. I apologize about the cruel way I used to talk to you. I was so angry – I made you responsible for my feelings of isolation and loneliness. I made you responsible for not being able to follow my dreams. I made you responsible for my relationships not working out. I made you responsible for most of the pain I experienced in my life. I was your worst enemy and I had the most poisonous relationship with you.

​Today I am setting an end to all of this abusive behavior. I am sorry, my beloved; I didn't know better. I didn't see that you have always been my most loyal friend and companion. When no one was there and others left me because I was too heavy to bear – you were there. You never gave up on me…you could have. But you didn't. You took me in, with each and every scar and bruise I gave to you and you took it without any resistance. You let it happen because you knew this is our journey and this is what I need in order to learn and understand. I was looking for someone who will show me how it feels like to be loved unconditionally – and yet I had it all along. Now it is my turn. I know you will never stop to be there for me and to love me, as you keep me alive and healthy with every breath you take and every drop of blood you lead through my veins with the beautiful rhythm of your heartbeat. I know you will stick to me till the end. So we are in a relationship for a lifetime anyways. But now, I can turn it into a relationship that is interdependent, instead of narcissistic-codependent! I want to give back to you. I want to let you feel my unconditional love.

Be patient with me if I need some time to learn how to do that. If you accept, I want you to be my teacher. I will never see you as anything less than perfect  anymore. You are the perfect body- perfect for my soul! All your imperfections are only imperfections in the contrast of the existing beauty standards. But now the only beauty standard I will follow, is the unique and real you. I will cherish each frizzy curl, each shade of red on your skin and each body-part that you are protecting with an extra layer of soft fat. From now on you are perfect just the way you are. That doesn't mean that you are not allowed to change. If you want to change, please go ahead – I will observe and embrace the changes that you will go through! But know that you don't have to change anymore. I will never push you to change again. I will listen to you and I will celebrate our new and deep connection. You don't have to raise your voice to an immense level anymore until I will hear you – I will tune into you and listen to what you whisper. I will learn from you and become better in meeting your needs and desires. I will protect you and fight for you in front of others ; I will not hide your rawness from others anymore. I will stand tall and be proud of you. I will respect and tune into the secret powers of the female body to access the hidden treasures of creative power itself. I will celebrate your menstrual cycle and explore the sexuality in you that I didn't dare to explore yet.

I will nurture you with the food and nutrition you need and want; also here I ask for your guidance. I will trust in your choices and not judge or punish you for them. I will tell you how beautiful and sensual you are every day. I will give you the compliments you never got and I will let you have the compliments of others without censoring them. I will touch and massage you a lot because I know that physical touch is as important a love language to you as affirmative words. I am ready to fully take responsibility for my life and the decisions I make.I understand now that you always work in my favor. I commit to becoming one with you; I will learn how to fully come into you and be in you, my body, instead of spending most of my time out of body. I am forever grateful that you are enabling me to use the medium that connects me to everything  - dance. I thank you for letting me turn and jump and slide across the floor in alignment with other dancers, music or the space between all and everything. There is no greater feeling for me than this - and without you it wouldn't be possible. Here is to a new chapter in our relationship! 

I love you <3 


The dreary grey December sky makes my heart beat slower and my blood is moving through my veins like thick, sticky caramel. I am in my room, sitting on the floor and enjoying the warmth of our underfloor heating as if it was the only thing that could comfort me today. The trees outside are naked and sparse by now. I can still taste the juicy sweetness of the honey dew melon I had for lunch. I feel the notion of excitement in my chest when I think about the first snow covering up the brittle landscape and turning everything into a landscape of purity and innocence. I am really suffering in the cold, but I can't other than find this consolidating sense of safety in being cradled by my warm and pleasant room's atmosphere in contrast to the cold and sparseness outside that winter brings.

I am going through a lot of emotional, mental and physical processing right now. Using the Completion Process or Parts Work is my daily practice in this time. Today I went into a horrific memory from my childhood and I rescued my 3-year old child-self out of her prison of powerlessness. In order to find completion for this specific wound she asked me to give her and me (as her future-self) a voice to express what kind of father we would have loved to grow up with in form of a letter. I want to share this letter with you today:

Dear Daddy, I am writing this letter with tears rolling down my cheeks. I know I can't say I miss you really, because in order to miss you I would have had to meet you first. So let‘s say I long for you. I really do. Horribly. I got rescued today by my future self. She rescued me out of the hands of a man that caused me a lot of pain and harm. This man should have never been able to have children. Because he never reached a level of taking responsibility for himself and the people around him. I can not really blame him. He went through hell himself in his own life. And he never healed from his wounds. Instead he tried to "fix" his pain with starting his own family. I think a lot of people do the same actually. This man used me to feel the things he was craving for in his own life: he used me to feel loved, empowered, aroused, nurtured, understood and taken care of. This man calls himself my Father. But I decided today that I will no longer let him have this role, as it holds so many expectations and unmet desires for me. When I made this decision I suddenly burst out in tears, as if all the oceans of our world had decided to make their way through my two small eyes in that moment. I wept strongly and I am still crying now , 3 hours after this decision. I know you understand it - I am mourning the father I never had. I am mourning YOU.

It is one thing to accept that your biological father wasn't a good father, quite the opposite even; but it is another thing to accept that he will never be able to turn into the father that I wish I would have had. In order to give the precious 3-year old part of me the opportunity to heal and at least have a part of this wish come true I promised her we would write this letter to you. Thank you Dad. Thank you for always being there for me,no matter how you felt yourself. Thank you for always having space for me between your arms ,close to your heart - you know there is no sound that calms me more than the one of your heart beating. ​Thank you for coming to me in the middle of the night ,when I woke up crying from a nightmare and making me feel safe, looking behind every curtain and door and under my bed to make sure there is no monster hiding. Thank you for playing with me like lions play with each other. I know you wanted me to understand my physical boundaries during play and I know you only let me win when I started to feel I have no chance. This made me feel like a struggle can be enjoyable and I will get through it. Thank you for being so respectful and loving towards mom. It showed me how a healthy relationship looks like.

Thank you for not getting offended whenever I was angry or upset and for encouraging me to allow my emotions and teaching me healthy ways to express them. Thank you for holding me when I was sad and crying and never getting impatient with giving me the presence I needed. Even if it took days or weeks for me to process my sadness. Thank you for being joyful WITH me whenever I got happy and excited about things. I loved our little happy dance we did together. Thank you for never getting tired of reading my favourite stories to me - we really went through a lot of adventures together.

Thank you for letting me become the woman that I am today, even if you don't agree with some of my decisions and ways of living my life. Thank you for never shaming me for my sexuality and at the same time for your protective eye towards the men that wanted to be part of my life.. Thank you for taking me out on a „date“ every now and then since I am 14 to let me feel how a man should treat me with respect and in a healthy way. Thank you for teaching me to challenge my limits but never bulldoze myself. Thank you for teaching me how to nurture my body with the right Foods. Thank you for having such a big,passionate, gentle and generous heart. Thank you for always encouraging me to go on with my projects and follow my dreams.

Thank you for always letting me know that you are there when I need anything, whether it was money, shelter, compassion or protection from you. But thank you for also letting me become the strong and self-sufficient woman that doesn't really need to come for you to ask for things most of the time. Thank you for taking me out to our favourite ice cream place as often as I wanted. Until today I always pick blueberry and vanilla ice cream, so I have both our favourite flavors together. Thank you for embracing my partner with such an open heart and open arms and being like a wonderful father to him.too. Thank you for always having the perfect advice for me when I need one. Thank you for the not so funny jokes you always tell. They still make me laugh every single time. Thank you for mirroring back to me my own beauty and value. I feel precious in my life and looking around I know that this is rarely the case. Thank you for always sending me postcards and bringing me small presents from the places you travel to.

Thank you for teaching me that beauty is not my only asset, but that you made me feel smart, kind, bad ass, intelligent and confident as well. Thank you for all the attention you are giving me so generously, whether I demand it or not. Thank you for being so attuned to me that I never had to feel misunderstood by you. Thank you for letting me see you in your vulnerability and teaching me that there is no weakness in being soft and sensitive. Thank you for respecting my and your own boundaries. Thank you for taking me and mom as your first priority over money, your career or your own sense of rightness. Growing up with you doesn't mean I am free of challenges, bad days and tragedies in my life. But growing up as your daughter made me highly capable and confident to face every day with whatever it may bring. Knowing that I have your love and support always is giving me a strength that others are only admiring.

I love you Daddy and I will always remember you as the moving ,supportive and protective force in my life that brings me further every day.                                                               Proudly always yours,                                                              Your daughter Stefanie

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