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To the Father I never had

The dreary grey December sky makes my heart beat slower and my blood is moving through my veins like thick, sticky caramel. I am in my room, sitting on the floor and enjoying the warmth of our underfloor heating as if it was the only thing that could comfort me today. The trees outside are naked and sparse by now. I can still taste the juicy sweetness of the honey dew melon I had for lunch. I feel the notion of excitement in my chest when I think about the first snow covering up the brittle landscape and turning everything into a landscape of purity and innocence. I am really suffering in the cold, but I can't other than find this consolidating sense of safety in being cradled by my warm and pleasant room's atmosphere in contrast to the cold and sparseness outside that winter brings.

I am going through a lot of emotional, mental and physical processing right now. Using the Completion Process or Parts Work is my daily practice in this time. Today I went into a horrific memory from my childhood and I rescued my 3-year old child-self out of her prison of powerlessness. In order to find completion for this specific wound she asked me to give her and me (as her future-self) a voice to express what kind of father we would have loved to grow up with in form of a letter. I want to share this letter with you today:

Dear Daddy, I am writing this letter with tears rolling down my cheeks. I know I can't say I miss you really, because in order to miss you I would have had to meet you first. So let‘s say I long for you. I really do. Horribly. I got rescued today by my future self. She rescued me out of the hands of a man that caused me a lot of pain and harm. This man should have never been able to have children. Because he never reached a level of taking responsibility for himself and the people around him. I can not really blame him. He went through hell himself in his own life. And he never healed from his wounds. Instead he tried to "fix" his pain with starting his own family. I think a lot of people do the same actually. This man used me to feel the things he was craving for in his own life: he used me to feel loved, empowered, aroused, nurtured, understood and taken care of. This man calls himself my Father. But I decided today that I will no longer let him have this role, as it holds so many expectations and unmet desires for me. When I made this decision I suddenly burst out in tears, as if all the oceans of our world had decided to make their way through my two small eyes in that moment. I wept strongly and I am still crying now , 3 hours after this decision. I know you understand it - I am mourning the father I never had. I am mourning YOU.

It is one thing to accept that your biological father wasn't a good father, quite the opposite even; but it is another thing to accept that he will never be able to turn into the father that I wish I would have had. In order to give the precious 3-year old part of me the opportunity to heal and at least have a part of this wish come true I promised her we would write this letter to you. Thank you Dad. Thank you for always being there for me,no matter how you felt yourself. Thank you for always having space for me between your arms ,close to your heart - you know there is no sound that calms me more than the one of your heart beating. ​Thank you for coming to me in the middle of the night ,when I woke up crying from a nightmare and making me feel safe, looking behind every curtain and door and under my bed to make sure there is no monster hiding. Thank you for playing with me like lions play with each other. I know you wanted me to understand my physical boundaries during play and I know you only let me win when I started to feel I have no chance. This made me feel like a struggle can be enjoyable and I will get through it. Thank you for being so respectful and loving towards mom. It showed me how a healthy relationship looks like.

Thank you for not getting offended whenever I was angry or upset and for encouraging me to allow my emotions and teaching me healthy ways to express them. Thank you for holding me when I was sad and crying and never getting impatient with giving me the presence I needed. Even if it took days or weeks for me to process my sadness. Thank you for being joyful WITH me whenever I got happy and excited about things. I loved our little happy dance we did together. Thank you for never getting tired of reading my favourite stories to me - we really went through a lot of adventures together.

Thank you for letting me become the woman that I am today, even if you don't agree with some of my decisions and ways of living my life. Thank you for never shaming me for my sexuality and at the same time for your protective eye towards the men that wanted to be part of my life.. Thank you for taking me out on a „date“ every now and then since I am 14 to let me feel how a man should treat me with respect and in a healthy way. Thank you for teaching me to challenge my limits but never bulldoze myself. Thank you for teaching me how to nurture my body with the right Foods. Thank you for having such a big,passionate, gentle and generous heart. Thank you for always encouraging me to go on with my projects and follow my dreams.

Thank you for always letting me know that you are there when I need anything, whether it was money, shelter, compassion or protection from you. But thank you for also letting me become the strong and self-sufficient woman that doesn't really need to come for you to ask for things most of the time. Thank you for taking me out to our favourite ice cream place as often as I wanted. Until today I always pick blueberry and vanilla ice cream, so I have both our favourite flavors together. Thank you for embracing my partner with such an open heart and open arms and being like a wonderful father to him.too. Thank you for always having the perfect advice for me when I need one. Thank you for the not so funny jokes you always tell. They still make me laugh every single time. Thank you for mirroring back to me my own beauty and value. I feel precious in my life and looking around I know that this is rarely the case. Thank you for always sending me postcards and bringing me small presents from the places you travel to.

Thank you for teaching me that beauty is not my only asset, but that you made me feel smart, kind, bad ass, intelligent and confident as well. Thank you for all the attention you are giving me so generously, whether I demand it or not. Thank you for being so attuned to me that I never had to feel misunderstood by you. Thank you for letting me see you in your vulnerability and teaching me that there is no weakness in being soft and sensitive. Thank you for respecting my and your own boundaries. Thank you for taking me and mom as your first priority over money, your career or your own sense of rightness. Growing up with you doesn't mean I am free of challenges, bad days and tragedies in my life. But growing up as your daughter made me highly capable and confident to face every day with whatever it may bring. Knowing that I have your love and support always is giving me a strength that others are only admiring.

I love you Daddy and I will always remember you as the moving ,supportive and protective force in my life that brings me further every day.                                                               Proudly always yours,                                                              Your daughter Stefanie


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