My dear body, I apologize to you from the bottom of my heart. How many times I was angry at you, sad because of you, even hated you… I am sorry I believed that you are working against me. I am sorry I couldn't accept you and recognize your beauty in each mole, each freckle, each sun-bleached curl of luscious thickness. I am sorry, I tried to hide you from the world most of my life. I felt ashamed of you, oh so ashamed. Whenever people looked at you, I thought they are judging you and therefore me in a very bad way. I am sorry I ever pushed you to be different than you are. To look more like the long-legged women with smooth, shiny hair and perky breasts, gazing at us from magazines and advertisements – they are judging me too – I thought.
I am sorry for neglecting you and not being able to nurture you in the way you needed it. I am sorry for eating food that was not good for you and not giving you the sleep you deserved. I am sorry for constantly comparing you, but only seeing how you are worse than the bodies I compare you to. I am sorry for mistaking your mechanisms of protecting me as being dysfunctional,lazy or weak. I apologize for not defending you in front of those who insulted you; and for not standing tall and being proud of you - the home of my soul. I am sorry for seeing the female cycle as nothing more than an inconvenience. And I am sorry that I ever let it happen to have sexual interaction with others although you clearly told me you don´t want it. I am sorry I just used you as a way to manipulate others in a seductive way. I am sorry I went through some painful and unhealthy procedures with you in order to fit into the beauty standards of women in the world we live in currently.
I am sorry I cut into your skin when I had lost all connection to you and I didn't find another way to feel you and the world around me anymore. I apologize about the cruel way I used to talk to you. I was so angry – I made you responsible for my feelings of isolation and loneliness. I made you responsible for not being able to follow my dreams. I made you responsible for my relationships not working out. I made you responsible for most of the pain I experienced in my life. I was your worst enemy and I had the most poisonous relationship with you.
Today I am setting an end to all of this abusive behavior. I am sorry, my beloved; I didn't know better. I didn't see that you have always been my most loyal friend and companion. When no one was there and others left me because I was too heavy to bear – you were there. You never gave up on me…you could have. But you didn't. You took me in, with each and every scar and bruise I gave to you and you took it without any resistance. You let it happen because you knew this is our journey and this is what I need in order to learn and understand. I was looking for someone who will show me how it feels like to be loved unconditionally – and yet I had it all along. Now it is my turn. I know you will never stop to be there for me and to love me, as you keep me alive and healthy with every breath you take and every drop of blood you lead through my veins with the beautiful rhythm of your heartbeat. I know you will stick to me till the end. So we are in a relationship for a lifetime anyways. But now, I can turn it into a relationship that is interdependent, instead of narcissistic-codependent! I want to give back to you. I want to let you feel my unconditional love.
Be patient with me if I need some time to learn how to do that. If you accept, I want you to be my teacher. I will never see you as anything less than perfect anymore. You are the perfect body- perfect for my soul! All your imperfections are only imperfections in the contrast of the existing beauty standards. But now the only beauty standard I will follow, is the unique and real you. I will cherish each frizzy curl, each shade of red on your skin and each body-part that you are protecting with an extra layer of soft fat. From now on you are perfect just the way you are. That doesn't mean that you are not allowed to change. If you want to change, please go ahead – I will observe and embrace the changes that you will go through! But know that you don't have to change anymore. I will never push you to change again. I will listen to you and I will celebrate our new and deep connection. You don't have to raise your voice to an immense level anymore until I will hear you – I will tune into you and listen to what you whisper. I will learn from you and become better in meeting your needs and desires. I will protect you and fight for you in front of others ; I will not hide your rawness from others anymore. I will stand tall and be proud of you. I will respect and tune into the secret powers of the female body to access the hidden treasures of creative power itself. I will celebrate your menstrual cycle and explore the sexuality in you that I didn't dare to explore yet.
I will nurture you with the food and nutrition you need and want; also here I ask for your guidance. I will trust in your choices and not judge or punish you for them. I will tell you how beautiful and sensual you are every day. I will give you the compliments you never got and I will let you have the compliments of others without censoring them. I will touch and massage you a lot because I know that physical touch is as important a love language to you as affirmative words. I am ready to fully take responsibility for my life and the decisions I make.I understand now that you always work in my favor. I commit to becoming one with you; I will learn how to fully come into you and be in you, my body, instead of spending most of my time out of body. I am forever grateful that you are enabling me to use the medium that connects me to everything - dance. I thank you for letting me turn and jump and slide across the floor in alignment with other dancers, music or the space between all and everything. There is no greater feeling for me than this - and without you it wouldn't be possible. Here is to a new chapter in our relationship!
I love you <3
Steffi
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